2 Years Later

Exactly two years ago today, my life began to change, and not for the better. I remember telling my mom that my marriage was falling apart, she had said "This too shall pass, and in two years things will be different" Little did I know that in 2 years I would be divorced and raising two teenagers alone. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I can say, I did love my husband and only wanted to see him happy and content. This isn't intended to be all about the fall of our marriage, but how to pick up the pieces after something like this takes place, where my faith comes in and moving forward. Erich made his choice, and I have no say nor can I make someone love me, or believe me. I just wish he hadn't taken my self esteem along with him when he left, justifying his actions, but it is what it is. It was easy to lay in the fetal position, feel sorry for myself, cry and do nothing. Then you realize you have two children who this affects more than anything, they are looking at me, how to overcome adversity, for protection, and for consoling. The first few weeks, I had to get better so my kids could get better. I grew up with great parents, sure they fought, sure they made bad choices, but they always showed us that family always comes first, and with God you can get thru anything. I remember my mom sitting in our living room, with her cup of tea, reading her bible, always finding the good in everything and always had a smile on her face. As much as I love Root Beer Vodka, and that made me feel better, I knew that isn't what I am do to as a mother. My kids needed me, the one constant rock they would have in their life, and now they were going to watch how I handled things. I put both kids in counciling, and I went as well. I don't want history repeating itself, and feel my kids deserve every chance at seeing what healthy and normal is. When you get divorced it doesn't just affect the two that are married, its a ripple affect, it affects the children, the grandparents, the rest of the family, friendships and the list keeps going on and on. Because I come from such a close family, its really hard for me to now have family members act as if I know longer exist, and have friends turn the other way because they don't know what to say. Its hurtful, its hurtful to get reports from the kids councilor that they are depressed, its a helpless feeling. This is not the life I dreamed of, or at all what I had in store for my kids. Being a Christian I had some struggles in the beginning, I knew that God can change hearts, he changed mine years ago, why wasn't he changing Erich's heart? If he hated divorce, why was he allowing it, I read books, watched online sermons, emailed Erich, tried to convince him to come home, it took me awhile to realize that I am not in control. Erich is in control of his choices, he knows what is right and wrong, and he will have the consequences of his choices and now I must face mine, and figure out what God is teaching ME thru all this, and no longer be concerned with what Erich was doing. I first had to ask Erich for forgiveness for my part in the down fall of our relationship, (I like to think I'm over it, but everyyyy once in awhile a Cheri remark is said, just cause its how Im wired and don't really like someone getting the best of me) and then I had to go to my children and apologize to them, I am very open with my kids, they are 17 and 15 and aren't stupid, they observed plenty for themselves and for all they went thru the last thing they needed from me, were lies to cover things up, or them feeling disrespected for having opinions. The kids have an awesome councilor who is totally their advocate, she has helped them to understand things, have their eyes opened to certain behaviors and how to process it all, I am going to counciling as well, regaining my self esteem, learning to love myself again and realizing my worth isn't based on what a man thinks of me, but rather where my faith lies in times of trials and adversity and that most importantly I am a child of God. I cannot even begin to tell anyone how I have seen God work in so many ways. My family is amazing, and the friends I have, I couldn't be any more blessed. When there is divorce, there is a lot of finger pointing, a lot of dirty laundry aired, and a lot of accusations, and the fact that I never had to explain myself to my friends, that they know me well enough to be able to cycle thru the lies vs the truth, was such a relief and that when they could tell I was getting depressed then came to pick me up, or text me with encouraging words. I am a talker (SHOCKER) and that they listened to my stories and my fears for almost two years straight, listening as I battled internally with the lies I was made to believe, the crying and the whys. I couldn't be more grateful or thankful for all of them, that too me is what family, friends and unconditional love is. I cannot repay anyone enough. I am so proud of my kids, I am also lucky to have them with me everyday. Jake is awesome, he asks me everyday how work was, he tells me I'm beautiful, his heart is so amazing. Jessica is my voice of reason, it is so unbelievable how simple kids see things, we really should stop to listen to them, I in no way expect them to fill a void of mine, I am a mother first, but I am so blessed to have such great kids, who have hilarious sense of humor and are willing to try and do anything with me, and when we screw up we can all laugh. I know I will be ok thru all this, but my heart aches for my kids, because I wanted them to have this perfect child hood, I wanted them to see when two people love each other and put God first, a marriage is saved, I wanted them to see success rather than failure, but this is where we are at, and I cant look back anymore, just forward, and show them even in the darkest of times and when life doesn't go how we plan, we still trust God, he will bring us thru anything and take us to places we are meant to be, we just have to keep trusting. God never promised us life would be easy, but he did promise that he would never leave us. I am so thankful that as a child I saw where my parents turned, that my mom made it a point to read her bible and show her faith to us, that my parents were an example of loving, and forgiveness, and unconditional love. My kids are blessed to have them in their life as well. Two years ago I didn't have a clue this is where I would be, but this is where I am, and I will make the best of it, I'm curious to see where I am in two years, God knows I am not ready for any kind of serious relationship. I have a lot of healing to do, a self esteem to regain and my kids needs me right now. I'm terrified of anything online, that's what happens when you watch too much Catfish on MTV haha, but I have learned to be content with who I am and what I have and just trust God. I am not in control, and I'm not on this earth to make it all about me and my happiness but rather how I can glorify God, and in everything I go thru, good or bad, I will continue to keep my head up and teach my kids that no matter what, God has a purpose for everything we encounter in life and we will keep thanking him. -Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth-