Tomorrow is the last day of 2012 and I thought it might be therapeutic to recap what the year has brought, some great and some not so great...

In 2012 I finished my 1st half marathon, I turned 40 and I had biopsy...all in that order. Last year I signed up for my fist half marathon that was to be run May 20th of this year, its sounded sooo far away when I signed up but like everything in life, it came fast!! Running for me is alot of things, its a total mind game, it makes me feel like I accomplish something that not everyone can, and its boring as heck. I trained for 12 weeks, running faithfully 3 times a week. The big day came and away I went. I was surprised at my reaction when I crossed the finish line, I had just ran 13.1 miles, never in a million years did I think it would even be possible, but I didn't cry, I wasn't emotional. I had more emotion when I finished my first 10k, it kind of bothered me why I wasn't more reactive, probably is the fact I couldn't feel my legs. I vowed I would never run another one, it was a great experience and a few days later it really hit me and everynight I see my big heavy medal hanging off the side of my bedpost, probably my most favorite piece of jewlery ever cause I EARNED IT!  Heidi and I start training for our 2nd half marathon, February 27th. Also this Wednesday I am starting the Biggest Loser challenge at the gym, and this year Heidi's sister April is my partner. Heidi had surgery a few weeks ago so she is on a break from exercising, which has been hard for me as well. Even tho I have lost weight alone, there is something about the accountability of a great buddy and I miss her like crazy.

In July I turned 40, everyone kept saying....PFFFT 40 is nothing, its the best ever, its the new 20. Bahaha oh you all are funny! Now that I'm 40, I was supposed to have a mammogram, during the mammogram they found a spot that didn't look right, they called me back for another mammogram, and then an ultrasound and finally a biopsy. Of course there were days in between and days to think about things. I tried to be positive but it really made me think. I'm not exempt from getting cancer, it could happen to me, very possibly. When I found out everything was ok, I was relieved but I also had a new look on things. I am very thankful to be healthy, thankful my family and kids are healthy. Its real, people really go through all this and have to face that they have cancer, those 5 days I had in between knowing, I cant imagine others having to live through that and then find out they have it. Its scary and makes me count my blessings.

On a personal level, I am struggling. I feel that at 40 I should have my act together, that I am to be strong like my mom is, that I'm a matriarch, that my kids look to me for all the answers and I'm not doing so good with it. As open as I am, I struggle with communication, I struggle with what and who I am. I don't always make the best choices and I have a hard time forgiving myself. This year has been a struggle for me, making bad choices with friendships. trying to repair relationships that are broken, and learning to accept myself. I always wonder if others have struggle with this? Or is this something people really shouldn't be admitting or talking about? I don't know! I don't know what is "normal" All I know is that I'm really having a hard time. We are taught to give everything to God, I believe I do that, but am I not listening? Whats my problem? Im really hoping 2013 brings me answers, and that I can put my focus where it needs to be. I really need to learn to love myself, to accept me for me and not worry about the smalls things, not to over think and just enjoy life. I think I make life harder than it needs to be, I feel responsible for every ones well being, and I take on their burdens, good gosh why?!?  This is probably way to much to share and maybe I should be embarrassed to share...I don't know that either haha. What I do know, is that I have a God who loves me regardless, that has unconditional love for me. And being a mom and having that unconditional love for my own kids, gives me such peace in knowing that God and my parents truly have that love for me. There is no manual on how to be a wife, or how to be a mom, I'm doing the best I can and hoping it just gets better! So time to put 2012 behind me, being thankful for all the wonderful things that took place, learning from what wasn't so good and most of all being thankful for all my family being healthy and capable. Happy New Years to everyone, may you find comfort, peace, love and happiness!