I keep telling my friend Keri that I'm going to start blogging again, so I thought I better follow thru. It helps me get thoughts out of my head and share with people the struggles I have in hopes that maybe someone else feels the same and we can both find comfort in knowing we are not alone and learning together to make ourselves better people. Oh my that sounds really deep....
I walked into the gym last night and noticed a flier that read something like...."Rock your jeans challenge" so I inquire and learn that I need to bring in a pair of jeans that are two sizes to small (they cant zip or button and I have to prove this to staff) and then they keep the jeans, we have 10 weeks to lose weight and if our too small jeans zip and button our name goes into a drawing for prizes. Hmm so I feel I don't do well with competitions like this, I'm kind of a procrastinator and always wait til the last minute to do something, but with a challenge like this you cant wait til the last minute. Do I spend money on a great pair of jeans? or do I borrow jeans from someone? so I'm not out the money when I fail. I know that I should never use the word "fail" but come on lets be serious. You know how many times I have thought I could buy something smaller and it would motivate me to lose weight, bahahaha its never worked, so why would it now.
Ive learned over the last year how I tick as far as exercise and weight loss go. I do not like to compete against other people, like "whoever loses 10 pounds first buys the other a diet pepsi" that kind of motivation doesn't work for me, also I don't like it when people feel like they need to compete against me. I lose weight for one reason only, for myself. I will be honest and say that I don't like to get beat and occasionally this drives me, but what really drives me is bettering myself. (Like going a faster minute mile or doing pushups that I suck at) However I was at a race recently and a lady I had known thru the kids school was there and when she saw me she said "Oh wow are you running?" "Um yes" "Oh so have you trained for this?" "Um yes" and in my head I was thinking lady I hope I kick your ass or you trip and fall! Well needless to say I finished way ahead of her and thought to myself just cause I'm big doesn't mean I cant do what you can. Which leads me to another subject...
Why do I feel the need to explain myself? I went to the Eugene Running Store a few weeks back to get fitted for some good shoes, as soon as I started talking, I started rambling about how I really can run and that Ive lost 60 pounds and that Ive done some 5k's and a 10k blah blah blah and the guy was looking at me like...Who gives a rip woman, I just want to sell you shoes. When I meet people that don't know me, I feel like I have to give my whole history of "if you think I'm fat now, then you should have seen me 10 months ago" its stupid really, I don't owe anyone an explanation and honestly they don't really care and honestly I am assuming what they may be thinking. I am not trying to lose weight to impress anyone, to compete with anyone, to look better than anyone, I just came to a point in my life that I was so sick of feeling the way I do, seeing myself in that 3 way mirror and just feeling horrible and I still have those moments. I have a long way to go and its hard work. I look in the mirror and say...WTH and I get frustrated and want to perform plastic surgery on myself to get this ugly fat off. But Ive also learned that there are no quick fixes, sure you can binge diet, cut out certain things from your life, but what happens when you add them back in? I learned that it needs to be a life style change, the friends I have that have reached their goal say its just as hard to maintain their weight as it was to lose it. I believe that and I know this has to be my way forever. I have the exercise down to a T but the eating, UGH its sooooooo hard!
My insecurities get the best of me most of the time, I feel like since I post alot about my weight on face book that when people do see me they look at me like...hmmm gosh as much as she talks about working out, she ought to look better than that! I tell myself I don't care what people think, and really I shouldn't, but its human, but then I remind myself that I don't do what I do, for them so they can say what they want to say! So lets get back to this Jean challenge...
I'm going to do it! I'm not going to buy designer jeans, maybe some knock offs just in case they end up not even looking good when they do fit. I'm excited for a new challenge, I will not let the word "fail" be part of my vocabulary and I will be blogging my way thru this journey and also about my half marathon that I will be doing in May. I just printed off my training schedule and it gave me butterflies. When I was at the running store in Eugene there was a cute pink sticker that says "13.1" and I cant wait til I can go buy that and put it on my car...its the little things :)
