Day 11

The days between 8-10 really were boring days and Jake had games in the evening and really I had nothing to say...shocker I know. I exercised each of those days, stayed on track with my points and was just really boring.

So I have a question...Why do you over eat if you do over eat? I have all kinds of theories in my random talk to myself mind. I really eat for all occasions...happy, sad, stressed, tastes good, anything triggers it. Some days I feel like I deserve it, other days I just really don't care and it tastes good. But when I really get down to it, I think I eat to shove stuff down, ok that probably sounds weird and needs explanation, but when I don't like to deal with something in my life or don't like whats going on, I have a hard time talking about it, that may sound weird too when sometimes all I do is talk, but for real, I withdraw when I don't like the conversation or whats going on around me. So when things get uncomfortable I find myself going towards food and its almost like I'm stuffing down the real feelings, now does that make sense? Don't make me feel stupid here people...its an analogy, but I think for myself its a good one. These last few years have brought a few trials and struggles, and its apparent in my weight, beings I am the heaviest I have ever weighed, even being 9 months pregnant carrying a 11 pound baby inside me. Even tho I don't think consciencelessly (is that a word?)I was trying to do that, but as I dig into it, its exactly what I was doing. So to me knowing is half the battle. I am so done living my life the way I was, and I'm excited to take my new found knowledge and my mistakes and move on and be better inside and out. I know it doesn't take a rocket scientist to come to these conclusions, but I believe that we all have to come to some conclusions in our life on our own. Doesn't make one person better than the other, I believe God has timing in everything. God just thought 38 was a good age for me I guess :) Anywho, enough with the counseling sessions, and let me tell you about my Biggest Loser Group.

I am in a group with 4 other girls, along with the competition we receive 1 hour of group training, so Jena set it up to happen today. So brilliant me thinks that it would be great to do a spin class before the group meets and really get some good exercise in. Today's spin class is a 90 minute class, haha who in the world can do that?, well Heidi my rival spinner does it! Grrrr. So I just came for the last 40 minutes of it, and that was enough to make me wanna die, normally I only go for 30. So the rest of the girls show up for our training and Brenda the Nazi trainer whips us into shape (she's really not a Nazi, she just tells you what to do and doesn't care if it hurts, but she is encouraging and she also teaches the spin class I take, I just like to use words like that for entertainment purposes) so we do about a 45 minute workout with her, lunges, pushups, situps, wallsits, weights, cardio....must I go on it makes my legs ache just to repeat it. Ugh! I left there and literally drove straight home cause I thought I was gonna puke! I felt horrible, my head was pounding. I mean seriously that was a lot for this big girl. I took a hot shower, could barely lift my arms up to wash my hair, and I took 4 advil and layed in bed. As I layed there I thought at what I had accomplished and wow, I CAN do things if I really try hard. I started to feel better and got up and got ready, and changed my mind set from being whipped like a dog to being proud if what I have accomplished and the justice I served my body, it was a good ache. I wish I had someone like that pushing me everyday, we are our own worst enemies at times, talking us out of doing something, but really we CAN do it, it may not feel good, it may not feel normal, but I did it and so can anyone else. I wasn't the best in my group and I wasn't the last in my group and they all weigh less than I do, so it CAN be done. So my goal for Tuesdays WW weigh in is 3 pounds. If I can lose 3 pounds then I am at my lowest in weigh ins and will put me 19 pounds lighter than the the 1st day of WW in October. If you watch the Biggest Loser, you saw that guy who had his weight written on his arm with a Sharpie to remind him of his weekly goal, and that's exactly the mind set I am using, but I'm not writing on my arm, that's kinda tacky, plus I wouldn't advertise my weight on my forearm.

I hope whoever reads this blog doesn't feel that I am putting this out here for kudos....I need accountability, not just in weight loss but in other areas of my life. I feel like if its out there for people to read then it will help me stay focused and makes others aware of my struggles so we can all help each other. So thank you for being supportive and allowing me to be myself. I have a LONG way to go....