Monday, August 11, 2014
2 Years Later
Exactly two years ago today, my life began to change, and not for the better. I remember telling my mom that my marriage was falling apart, she had said "This too shall pass, and in two years things will be different" Little did I know that in 2 years I would be divorced and raising two teenagers alone.
I wasn't a perfect wife, but I can say, I did love my husband and only wanted to see him happy and content. This isn't intended to be all about the fall of our marriage, but how to pick up the pieces after something like this takes place, where my faith comes in and moving forward. Erich made his choice, and I have no say nor can I make someone love me, or believe me. I just wish he hadn't taken my self esteem along with him when he left, justifying his actions, but it is what it is.
It was easy to lay in the fetal position, feel sorry for myself, cry and do nothing. Then you realize you have two children who this affects more than anything, they are looking at me, how to overcome adversity, for protection, and for consoling. The first few weeks, I had to get better so my kids could get better. I grew up with great parents, sure they fought, sure they made bad choices, but they always showed us that family always comes first, and with God you can get thru anything. I remember my mom sitting in our living room, with her cup of tea, reading her bible, always finding the good in everything and always had a smile on her face. As much as I love Root Beer Vodka, and that made me feel better, I knew that isn't what I am do to as a mother. My kids needed me, the one constant rock they would have in their life, and now they were going to watch how I handled things. I put both kids in counciling, and I went as well. I don't want history repeating itself, and feel my kids deserve every chance at seeing what healthy and normal is. When you get divorced it doesn't just affect the two that are married, its a ripple affect, it affects the children, the grandparents, the rest of the family, friendships and the list keeps going on and on. Because I come from such a close family, its really hard for me to now have family members act as if I know longer exist, and have friends turn the other way because they don't know what to say. Its hurtful, its hurtful to get reports from the kids councilor that they are depressed, its a helpless feeling. This is not the life I dreamed of, or at all what I had in store for my kids.
Being a Christian I had some struggles in the beginning, I knew that God can change hearts, he changed mine years ago, why wasn't he changing Erich's heart? If he hated divorce, why was he allowing it, I read books, watched online sermons, emailed Erich, tried to convince him to come home, it took me awhile to realize that I am not in control. Erich is in control of his choices, he knows what is right and wrong, and he will have the consequences of his choices and now I must face mine, and figure out what God is teaching ME thru all this, and no longer be concerned with what Erich was doing. I first had to ask Erich for forgiveness for my part in the down fall of our relationship, (I like to think I'm over it, but everyyyy once in awhile a Cheri remark is said, just cause its how Im wired and don't really like someone getting the best of me) and then I had to go to my children and apologize to them, I am very open with my kids, they are 17 and 15 and aren't stupid, they observed plenty for themselves and for all they went thru the last thing they needed from me, were lies to cover things up, or them feeling disrespected for having opinions. The kids have an awesome councilor who is totally their advocate, she has helped them to understand things, have their eyes opened to certain behaviors and how to process it all, I am going to counciling as well, regaining my self esteem, learning to love myself again and realizing my worth isn't based on what a man thinks of me, but rather where my faith lies in times of trials and adversity and that most importantly I am a child of God.
I cannot even begin to tell anyone how I have seen God work in so many ways. My family is amazing, and the friends I have, I couldn't be any more blessed. When there is divorce, there is a lot of finger pointing, a lot of dirty laundry aired, and a lot of accusations, and the fact that I never had to explain myself to my friends, that they know me well enough to be able to cycle thru the lies vs the truth, was such a relief and that when they could tell I was getting depressed then came to pick me up, or text me with encouraging words. I am a talker (SHOCKER) and that they listened to my stories and my fears for almost two years straight, listening as I battled internally with the lies I was made to believe, the crying and the whys. I couldn't be more grateful or thankful for all of them, that too me is what family, friends and unconditional love is. I cannot repay anyone enough.
I am so proud of my kids, I am also lucky to have them with me everyday. Jake is awesome, he asks me everyday how work was, he tells me I'm beautiful, his heart is so amazing. Jessica is my voice of reason, it is so unbelievable how simple kids see things, we really should stop to listen to them, I in no way expect them to fill a void of mine, I am a mother first, but I am so blessed to have such great kids, who have hilarious sense of humor and are willing to try and do anything with me, and when we screw up we can all laugh. I know I will be ok thru all this, but my heart aches for my kids, because I wanted them to have this perfect child hood, I wanted them to see when two people love each other and put God first, a marriage is saved, I wanted them to see success rather than failure, but this is where we are at, and I cant look back anymore, just forward, and show them even in the darkest of times and when life doesn't go how we plan, we still trust God, he will bring us thru anything and take us to places we are meant to be, we just have to keep trusting. God never promised us life would be easy, but he did promise that he would never leave us. I am so thankful that as a child I saw where my parents turned, that my mom made it a point to read her bible and show her faith to us, that my parents were an example of loving, and forgiveness, and unconditional love. My kids are blessed to have them in their life as well.
Two years ago I didn't have a clue this is where I would be, but this is where I am, and I will make the best of it, I'm curious to see where I am in two years, God knows I am not ready for any kind of serious relationship. I have a lot of healing to do, a self esteem to regain and my kids needs me right now. I'm terrified of anything online, that's what happens when you watch too much Catfish on MTV haha, but I have learned to be content with who I am and what I have and just trust God. I am not in control, and I'm not on this earth to make it all about me and my happiness but rather how I can glorify God, and in everything I go thru, good or bad, I will continue to keep my head up and teach my kids that no matter what, God has a purpose for everything we encounter in life and we will keep thanking him.
-Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth-
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tomorrow is the last day of 2012 and I thought it might be therapeutic to recap what the year has brought, some great and some not so great...
In 2012 I finished my 1st half marathon, I turned 40 and I had biopsy...all in that order. Last year I signed up for my fist half marathon that was to be run May 20th of this year, its sounded sooo far away when I signed up but like everything in life, it came fast!! Running for me is alot of things, its a total mind game, it makes me feel like I accomplish something that not everyone can, and its boring as heck. I trained for 12 weeks, running faithfully 3 times a week. The big day came and away I went. I was surprised at my reaction when I crossed the finish line, I had just ran 13.1 miles, never in a million years did I think it would even be possible, but I didn't cry, I wasn't emotional. I had more emotion when I finished my first 10k, it kind of bothered me why I wasn't more reactive, probably is the fact I couldn't feel my legs. I vowed I would never run another one, it was a great experience and a few days later it really hit me and everynight I see my big heavy medal hanging off the side of my bedpost, probably my most favorite piece of jewlery ever cause I EARNED IT! Heidi and I start training for our 2nd half marathon, February 27th. Also this Wednesday I am starting the Biggest Loser challenge at the gym, and this year Heidi's sister April is my partner. Heidi had surgery a few weeks ago so she is on a break from exercising, which has been hard for me as well. Even tho I have lost weight alone, there is something about the accountability of a great buddy and I miss her like crazy.
In July I turned 40, everyone kept saying....PFFFT 40 is nothing, its the best ever, its the new 20. Bahaha oh you all are funny! Now that I'm 40, I was supposed to have a mammogram, during the mammogram they found a spot that didn't look right, they called me back for another mammogram, and then an ultrasound and finally a biopsy. Of course there were days in between and days to think about things. I tried to be positive but it really made me think. I'm not exempt from getting cancer, it could happen to me, very possibly. When I found out everything was ok, I was relieved but I also had a new look on things. I am very thankful to be healthy, thankful my family and kids are healthy. Its real, people really go through all this and have to face that they have cancer, those 5 days I had in between knowing, I cant imagine others having to live through that and then find out they have it. Its scary and makes me count my blessings.
On a personal level, I am struggling. I feel that at 40 I should have my act together, that I am to be strong like my mom is, that I'm a matriarch, that my kids look to me for all the answers and I'm not doing so good with it. As open as I am, I struggle with communication, I struggle with what and who I am. I don't always make the best choices and I have a hard time forgiving myself. This year has been a struggle for me, making bad choices with friendships. trying to repair relationships that are broken, and learning to accept myself. I always wonder if others have struggle with this? Or is this something people really shouldn't be admitting or talking about? I don't know! I don't know what is "normal" All I know is that I'm really having a hard time. We are taught to give everything to God, I believe I do that, but am I not listening? Whats my problem? Im really hoping 2013 brings me answers, and that I can put my focus where it needs to be. I really need to learn to love myself, to accept me for me and not worry about the smalls things, not to over think and just enjoy life. I think I make life harder than it needs to be, I feel responsible for every ones well being, and I take on their burdens, good gosh why?!? This is probably way to much to share and maybe I should be embarrassed to share...I don't know that either haha. What I do know, is that I have a God who loves me regardless, that has unconditional love for me. And being a mom and having that unconditional love for my own kids, gives me such peace in knowing that God and my parents truly have that love for me. There is no manual on how to be a wife, or how to be a mom, I'm doing the best I can and hoping it just gets better! So time to put 2012 behind me, being thankful for all the wonderful things that took place, learning from what wasn't so good and most of all being thankful for all my family being healthy and capable. Happy New Years to everyone, may you find comfort, peace, love and happiness!
In 2012 I finished my 1st half marathon, I turned 40 and I had biopsy...all in that order. Last year I signed up for my fist half marathon that was to be run May 20th of this year, its sounded sooo far away when I signed up but like everything in life, it came fast!! Running for me is alot of things, its a total mind game, it makes me feel like I accomplish something that not everyone can, and its boring as heck. I trained for 12 weeks, running faithfully 3 times a week. The big day came and away I went. I was surprised at my reaction when I crossed the finish line, I had just ran 13.1 miles, never in a million years did I think it would even be possible, but I didn't cry, I wasn't emotional. I had more emotion when I finished my first 10k, it kind of bothered me why I wasn't more reactive, probably is the fact I couldn't feel my legs. I vowed I would never run another one, it was a great experience and a few days later it really hit me and everynight I see my big heavy medal hanging off the side of my bedpost, probably my most favorite piece of jewlery ever cause I EARNED IT! Heidi and I start training for our 2nd half marathon, February 27th. Also this Wednesday I am starting the Biggest Loser challenge at the gym, and this year Heidi's sister April is my partner. Heidi had surgery a few weeks ago so she is on a break from exercising, which has been hard for me as well. Even tho I have lost weight alone, there is something about the accountability of a great buddy and I miss her like crazy.
In July I turned 40, everyone kept saying....PFFFT 40 is nothing, its the best ever, its the new 20. Bahaha oh you all are funny! Now that I'm 40, I was supposed to have a mammogram, during the mammogram they found a spot that didn't look right, they called me back for another mammogram, and then an ultrasound and finally a biopsy. Of course there were days in between and days to think about things. I tried to be positive but it really made me think. I'm not exempt from getting cancer, it could happen to me, very possibly. When I found out everything was ok, I was relieved but I also had a new look on things. I am very thankful to be healthy, thankful my family and kids are healthy. Its real, people really go through all this and have to face that they have cancer, those 5 days I had in between knowing, I cant imagine others having to live through that and then find out they have it. Its scary and makes me count my blessings.
On a personal level, I am struggling. I feel that at 40 I should have my act together, that I am to be strong like my mom is, that I'm a matriarch, that my kids look to me for all the answers and I'm not doing so good with it. As open as I am, I struggle with communication, I struggle with what and who I am. I don't always make the best choices and I have a hard time forgiving myself. This year has been a struggle for me, making bad choices with friendships. trying to repair relationships that are broken, and learning to accept myself. I always wonder if others have struggle with this? Or is this something people really shouldn't be admitting or talking about? I don't know! I don't know what is "normal" All I know is that I'm really having a hard time. We are taught to give everything to God, I believe I do that, but am I not listening? Whats my problem? Im really hoping 2013 brings me answers, and that I can put my focus where it needs to be. I really need to learn to love myself, to accept me for me and not worry about the smalls things, not to over think and just enjoy life. I think I make life harder than it needs to be, I feel responsible for every ones well being, and I take on their burdens, good gosh why?!? This is probably way to much to share and maybe I should be embarrassed to share...I don't know that either haha. What I do know, is that I have a God who loves me regardless, that has unconditional love for me. And being a mom and having that unconditional love for my own kids, gives me such peace in knowing that God and my parents truly have that love for me. There is no manual on how to be a wife, or how to be a mom, I'm doing the best I can and hoping it just gets better! So time to put 2012 behind me, being thankful for all the wonderful things that took place, learning from what wasn't so good and most of all being thankful for all my family being healthy and capable. Happy New Years to everyone, may you find comfort, peace, love and happiness!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
I did it...
First I feel like I need to put a close to the "Jean Challenge" I did at the gym. I got into my smaller size jeans, and while I didn't win any prizes, I won the ultimate prize of fitting in my jeans. Ok that sounds so cliche and to be honest I wanted to win something, I knew the jeans fit but come on, lol. I'm glad the gym has challenges every once in awhile to keep me in check and a goal. I found out that I need those.
The greatest accomplishment of my "weight loss/work out" career (all 1 1/2 years of it haha) is that this last Sunday I completed my first half marathon. A year ago in April I ran my very first 5k and I thought I was going to die at the end, I kept running because I actually found it to be a little bit, tiny bit enjoyable. It is a great stress release and I feel good when I'm done. Last December I went out on a trek to see just how far I could run and I made it from my house to my parents house which was 10 miles. I had already signed up for the half marathon by this time, but it was the confidence I needed to know that I was going to be able to do this.
Training started in February and by March I hated running haha. It became a job, my body hurt, and I was just ready for it to get here. Half way thru my training my niece Rachel decided to join me in running and maybe the first week I was saying to her "Come on we are almost there" and by the next week she was saying it back to me...oh to be 19 again. The week prior to the 1/2 marathon, I did the Hippie Chick in Hillsboro, it was a 1/4 marathon. (Now I'm just gonna tell you, cause I'm honest...I wanted a fricken medal! Not all races you attend, do you get a medal. But big one like this you do) so as I'm running to the finish line, people who already did finish, are walking around or heading to their cars and I notice no medals around their neck, I started to think...are you kidding me?!? So I cross the finish line and I was handed a little box, inside that box was the best thing ever...A silver necklace that replicated a medal. I am in love with it. I wear it everyday and it will teach me to keep my thoughts and my mouth shut!!
So since I had dome the Hippie Chick I was reminded that I really do not like the whole "race" atmosphere, all the people and having to run when they say run (maybe I just don't like being told what to do haha) so it really made me nervous for the week ahead and part of me wished I hadn't have done it. All last week I was moody and on edge, the longest I have ever run was 10 miles and was hoping the extra 3 wouldn't have been that big of a deal, I watched what I ate, I drank a lot of water, I googled what to do before a half marathon, its all I could think about and talk about. We left Albany at 5:30am (My family, Rachel, and Heidi) and got there well before the race started, plenty of time for butterflies, and looking at everyone thinking that I didn't fit in. This is still an issue that I need to work on, "Runners" don't look like me, I don't look like a runner, it really plays on the self esteem, but I tell myself that I can prove that I can run. I knew I talked to myself alot, but I never realized how negative I talked to myself, so I have to say that over the last several months I have really tried to turn my talking more to the positive, telling myself that I am something, that I am capable, and that I'm tough...cocky maybe? not trying to be at all, negative self talk needs to stop!
I'm not going to go into all the details of how I felt every mile of that half marathon, but as I was running (there is alotttttt of alone time in ones head) I noticed that there are all kinds that run, some totally cute ponytail girls in running skirts, old people wearing bikini's (no joke) and legs taped up, knees taped up, hydration packs around their waists, and we were all there for the same reason. So it didnt matter what I looked like. When I crossed the finish line I thought I would cry and to be honest my 1st thought was...Where is the freaking bathroom?!? as the days have gone by and I have had time to think about it I actually get a little more emotional, the fat girl who thought all she would be is fat, started exercising, and set a goal to run a half marathon and DID IT!
The greatest accomplishment of my "weight loss/work out" career (all 1 1/2 years of it haha) is that this last Sunday I completed my first half marathon. A year ago in April I ran my very first 5k and I thought I was going to die at the end, I kept running because I actually found it to be a little bit, tiny bit enjoyable. It is a great stress release and I feel good when I'm done. Last December I went out on a trek to see just how far I could run and I made it from my house to my parents house which was 10 miles. I had already signed up for the half marathon by this time, but it was the confidence I needed to know that I was going to be able to do this.
Training started in February and by March I hated running haha. It became a job, my body hurt, and I was just ready for it to get here. Half way thru my training my niece Rachel decided to join me in running and maybe the first week I was saying to her "Come on we are almost there" and by the next week she was saying it back to me...oh to be 19 again. The week prior to the 1/2 marathon, I did the Hippie Chick in Hillsboro, it was a 1/4 marathon. (Now I'm just gonna tell you, cause I'm honest...I wanted a fricken medal! Not all races you attend, do you get a medal. But big one like this you do) so as I'm running to the finish line, people who already did finish, are walking around or heading to their cars and I notice no medals around their neck, I started to think...are you kidding me?!? So I cross the finish line and I was handed a little box, inside that box was the best thing ever...A silver necklace that replicated a medal. I am in love with it. I wear it everyday and it will teach me to keep my thoughts and my mouth shut!!
So since I had dome the Hippie Chick I was reminded that I really do not like the whole "race" atmosphere, all the people and having to run when they say run (maybe I just don't like being told what to do haha) so it really made me nervous for the week ahead and part of me wished I hadn't have done it. All last week I was moody and on edge, the longest I have ever run was 10 miles and was hoping the extra 3 wouldn't have been that big of a deal, I watched what I ate, I drank a lot of water, I googled what to do before a half marathon, its all I could think about and talk about. We left Albany at 5:30am (My family, Rachel, and Heidi) and got there well before the race started, plenty of time for butterflies, and looking at everyone thinking that I didn't fit in. This is still an issue that I need to work on, "Runners" don't look like me, I don't look like a runner, it really plays on the self esteem, but I tell myself that I can prove that I can run. I knew I talked to myself alot, but I never realized how negative I talked to myself, so I have to say that over the last several months I have really tried to turn my talking more to the positive, telling myself that I am something, that I am capable, and that I'm tough...cocky maybe? not trying to be at all, negative self talk needs to stop!
I'm not going to go into all the details of how I felt every mile of that half marathon, but as I was running (there is alotttttt of alone time in ones head) I noticed that there are all kinds that run, some totally cute ponytail girls in running skirts, old people wearing bikini's (no joke) and legs taped up, knees taped up, hydration packs around their waists, and we were all there for the same reason. So it didnt matter what I looked like. When I crossed the finish line I thought I would cry and to be honest my 1st thought was...Where is the freaking bathroom?!? as the days have gone by and I have had time to think about it I actually get a little more emotional, the fat girl who thought all she would be is fat, started exercising, and set a goal to run a half marathon and DID IT!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Stop calling yourself names...
I am guilty as charged, but on my way to work from the chiropractor this morning I had an epiphany.
I am the first person to call myself fat, to point it out (like people don't notice bahahaha) its a defense like..."Yeah I know I'm fat, I'm not in denial so you don't need to say anything" I defend my running alot with this also. I feel like when I say I run I feel like I need to follow it with..."Ive run up to 10 miles so I can run" its not boasting, its me trying to defend my not at all runners body. I feel safe at the gym, mostly because I see these people every day and they know what I'm capable of, but my biggest downfall is self criticism and it needs to stop for me...for everyone
While I am exercising all kinds of thoughts go thru my brain, when I show up for a 5k or a 10k, I look around at every ones gadgets, cute little running skirts, and 6 water bottles strapped to their waists and I think "Um I'm a little out of my league, I just start running and pray I make it back breathing, I have no gadgets or tricks" Then begins the self talk...who do you think you are?, you are not like these people, you are not little or cutesy, they are all staring at me waiting to see if I fail (seriously this kind of talk goes on inside me) then I have to switch gears to...you can do this, you have done this, you've trained for this, you are not a wimp and that has to be repeated over and over, and sometimes its 30 minutes of repeat and up to 2 hours, depending on how long the run.
So what I'm about to say next, is in no way meant to sound arrogant or am I trying to say look at me, it is simply about how one persons words can change what you think about yourself and pushes you to the next level. I have been seeing the chiropractor now for 3 weeks, this morning as I was telling him about my running and getting in trouble for the 2 mile run I did yesterday that I wasn't supposed to, he called me....an athlete. I could have married him right there. I have never been called that, nor in my life since High School have I ever thought that about myself. It made me see myself differently, that maybe I am ready to run with the big girls (and by big girls, I mean the ones that look like they run lol) So as I'm driving home with a grin the size of Texas, I thought, why do we beat ourselves up, and why are we so hard on ourselves ?!? Self destructive talk is so harmful and I think holds us back from what we are capable of doing. So stop saying that you are too big to exercise, stop calling yourself fat, stop being disappointed in yourself. Be proud that you are moving and breathing and trying to change things, be proud of each goal you complete...NO MORE BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF!
Disclaimer: I hope everyone knows that the stuff I talk about, I only say to possibly connect with someone who may be feeling the same way, not in any way to talk about myself like Im something neat. I struggle every flippen day with my eating habits and sometimes when Im at the gym I feel like saying..screw this, Im done. I am new to all this, Im changing on the outside but the inside is what needs the changes, the way we think about ourself.
I am the first person to call myself fat, to point it out (like people don't notice bahahaha) its a defense like..."Yeah I know I'm fat, I'm not in denial so you don't need to say anything" I defend my running alot with this also. I feel like when I say I run I feel like I need to follow it with..."Ive run up to 10 miles so I can run" its not boasting, its me trying to defend my not at all runners body. I feel safe at the gym, mostly because I see these people every day and they know what I'm capable of, but my biggest downfall is self criticism and it needs to stop for me...for everyone
While I am exercising all kinds of thoughts go thru my brain, when I show up for a 5k or a 10k, I look around at every ones gadgets, cute little running skirts, and 6 water bottles strapped to their waists and I think "Um I'm a little out of my league, I just start running and pray I make it back breathing, I have no gadgets or tricks" Then begins the self talk...who do you think you are?, you are not like these people, you are not little or cutesy, they are all staring at me waiting to see if I fail (seriously this kind of talk goes on inside me) then I have to switch gears to...you can do this, you have done this, you've trained for this, you are not a wimp and that has to be repeated over and over, and sometimes its 30 minutes of repeat and up to 2 hours, depending on how long the run.
So what I'm about to say next, is in no way meant to sound arrogant or am I trying to say look at me, it is simply about how one persons words can change what you think about yourself and pushes you to the next level. I have been seeing the chiropractor now for 3 weeks, this morning as I was telling him about my running and getting in trouble for the 2 mile run I did yesterday that I wasn't supposed to, he called me....an athlete. I could have married him right there. I have never been called that, nor in my life since High School have I ever thought that about myself. It made me see myself differently, that maybe I am ready to run with the big girls (and by big girls, I mean the ones that look like they run lol) So as I'm driving home with a grin the size of Texas, I thought, why do we beat ourselves up, and why are we so hard on ourselves ?!? Self destructive talk is so harmful and I think holds us back from what we are capable of doing. So stop saying that you are too big to exercise, stop calling yourself fat, stop being disappointed in yourself. Be proud that you are moving and breathing and trying to change things, be proud of each goal you complete...NO MORE BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF!
Disclaimer: I hope everyone knows that the stuff I talk about, I only say to possibly connect with someone who may be feeling the same way, not in any way to talk about myself like Im something neat. I struggle every flippen day with my eating habits and sometimes when Im at the gym I feel like saying..screw this, Im done. I am new to all this, Im changing on the outside but the inside is what needs the changes, the way we think about ourself.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Its been awhile
Its been awhile since Ive checked in, mostly cause Ive been in a funk and couldn't get myself out of it. In my life I am either totally organized, house clean, exercise and eat right or I'm totally opposite and everything is blown to heck and I'm a hot mess. Normally I can snap out of the latter one but this one threw me for a loop.
The week of Christmas I ran 6 mile the Monday before and then Christmas Eve morning I decided to run to my parents house from our house which is 10 miles. Endurance wise I made it no problem but it took a toll on my body after. My right hip has never been the same and its slowed my running down. With that mixed in with the weather and hating to run on a treadmill and rumors at Erich's work there is potential for layoffs, I slipped into a huge slump and have been struggling to get out of it. I justify it with...Ive worked out 6 days a week for a year and I'm entitled to being burned out, when the voice of reality says...if you wanna stay fit this is a lifestyle change not just a flash in the pan. So with that being said Ive done the following...
Monday the weather was beautiful so Rachel and I went on a 4 mile run...it felt great to be outside but the pain in my hip was horrible later that evening, yesterday we found out that Erich was safe from this round of layoffs and we are just praying that things will get better or they find a way to make things work, so there was another burden lifted (for the time being) and then this morning I went to my 1st chiropractor appointment. Dr Fortier works out at the gym I work out at, so I knew he would understand my desire to keep exercising and the fact I wanna run a 1/2 marathon in a few months. The visit went great, he can help me get ready for the marathon and guide me as I go and keep my body in line. However I am not supposed to run at all in any shape or form for 3 weeks. :( Never in my life did I think news like this would make me sad. For Pete's sake in my other life it would have been a dream to be told not to run bahaha. But I'm seriously sad, he told me that I will be fine and will not lose my endurance since I can still spin and he will get me back to shape so I can start running for my training, so I'm glad I went. Its important to listen to our bodies and its important to get correct training. Never be afraid to ask someone for help. When I first started the gym I was intimidated by the trainers, embarrassed that I didn't have the "look" of an exerciser and on and on and on. But really when you break the walls down and start utilizing others knowledge..it makes for healthy success. We can do things on our own, but it certainly makes things more fun when we have friends to share it with.
Now about that jean challenge...I suck! I'm trying but I am still a stress eater and I'm trying to substitute exercising for eating garbage, but it wins every once in awhile. I keep going as best I can but not sure how I'm gonna do :( I think I have 5 weeks left and I'm gonna try my darndest to get as much weight off as I can. So keep moving people, utilize your resources and your friends. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help or to let your body rest. I'm getting excited for the Rock n Roll Half Marathon but not as excited as that 13.1 sticker I'm gonna have on my Suburban.
The week of Christmas I ran 6 mile the Monday before and then Christmas Eve morning I decided to run to my parents house from our house which is 10 miles. Endurance wise I made it no problem but it took a toll on my body after. My right hip has never been the same and its slowed my running down. With that mixed in with the weather and hating to run on a treadmill and rumors at Erich's work there is potential for layoffs, I slipped into a huge slump and have been struggling to get out of it. I justify it with...Ive worked out 6 days a week for a year and I'm entitled to being burned out, when the voice of reality says...if you wanna stay fit this is a lifestyle change not just a flash in the pan. So with that being said Ive done the following...
Monday the weather was beautiful so Rachel and I went on a 4 mile run...it felt great to be outside but the pain in my hip was horrible later that evening, yesterday we found out that Erich was safe from this round of layoffs and we are just praying that things will get better or they find a way to make things work, so there was another burden lifted (for the time being) and then this morning I went to my 1st chiropractor appointment. Dr Fortier works out at the gym I work out at, so I knew he would understand my desire to keep exercising and the fact I wanna run a 1/2 marathon in a few months. The visit went great, he can help me get ready for the marathon and guide me as I go and keep my body in line. However I am not supposed to run at all in any shape or form for 3 weeks. :( Never in my life did I think news like this would make me sad. For Pete's sake in my other life it would have been a dream to be told not to run bahaha. But I'm seriously sad, he told me that I will be fine and will not lose my endurance since I can still spin and he will get me back to shape so I can start running for my training, so I'm glad I went. Its important to listen to our bodies and its important to get correct training. Never be afraid to ask someone for help. When I first started the gym I was intimidated by the trainers, embarrassed that I didn't have the "look" of an exerciser and on and on and on. But really when you break the walls down and start utilizing others knowledge..it makes for healthy success. We can do things on our own, but it certainly makes things more fun when we have friends to share it with.
Now about that jean challenge...I suck! I'm trying but I am still a stress eater and I'm trying to substitute exercising for eating garbage, but it wins every once in awhile. I keep going as best I can but not sure how I'm gonna do :( I think I have 5 weeks left and I'm gonna try my darndest to get as much weight off as I can. So keep moving people, utilize your resources and your friends. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help or to let your body rest. I'm getting excited for the Rock n Roll Half Marathon but not as excited as that 13.1 sticker I'm gonna have on my Suburban.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Turned my jeans in...
The "Rock your Jeans" challenge started this week, I decided not to buy a fancy pair of jeans, or an expensive pair. I figured that just cause they would end up fitting didn't mean that they would look good. I found a $18 pair on sale and decided to go with that. Yesterday I had to prove to Deana (one of the trainers) that I indeed could not button or zip my new pants. I told her no laughing! I was given a diet to follow, that frankly sounds like its going to miserable, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. So the 10 weeks begins.
Erich has started going back to the gym, which has been nice cause I was sooooo tired of all those guys hitting on me when I went alone. And I'm totally kidding and I'm not that vain so don't believe it! There is no competing with some of the tight spandex Barbies that work out there, and seriously I was kidding. But its very helpful that Erich is on track with me, with eating and exercising. He's a bit more hard core than I am tho so we each kinda follow our own plan.
A few weeks ago I decided that on the Christmas weekend I wasn't going to run my typical Saturday 4 to 5 mile run that I usually do. I run from our house to my work or almost to Target Distribution and back. This time I wanted to see how far I could run. So I told Erich that I was going to run as far as I could and then I would call him to come pick me up. He suggested that I run to my parents house in North Albany. Bahahaha omg sometimes he can be hilarious! So one day I clocked the miles and it was 10 miles almost exact, so I thought, why not try!?! I woke up Christmas Eve morning and thought hmmm, now mind you I am the most unpredictable runner around. I have no rhyme or reason as to what I do, I do eat carbs that night before and drink tons of water the day before, but I really don't know what I'm doing. I told Erich I was leaving and that I would call him, my first goal was to make it to LBCC, as I ran past our shop my dad was standing out on the side walk waiting for me in his coveralls, he smiled and waved (it was pretty cute) my next goal was 53rd street, then onto YMCA, then Hasty Freeze, then I got to the bridge to go over North Albany, it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, BUT when I got to Gibson Hill...Holy Mother of Pearl I wanted to die. I checked my run keeper and it said I had gone 9 miles, I wanted to go 10 so badly so that's when you gotta dig deep, and tell yourself if you can go this far, you can go farther and you are not a wimp! I made it in 2 hours and 2 minutes to my parents back door, and I actually felt great! They say that's a runners high, lol I think french fries would do the same. I was so proud of myself and as Erich picked me up and we drove home the same way I ran, I couldn't believe that I actually went that far and didn't stop to walk once or give up. My body has paid for that run these last few days, I'm still pretty overweight so my weight pounding on my joints can be painful. I started taking Glucosimine and it really does help, Ive been running everyday this week and that would not have been possible last week before I started taking it. Just wanted to recommend it to anyone cause I really think it works. Its a little weird tho when I tell my parents I am taking it and my dad says...oh I give that to our dog! So its multipurpose!
This particular post is a bit "look at me" well I guess this whole blog is haha and that's not my intention. Its mostly to document for me, where I am at. I went back and read my old posts and it was right before I was going to run my first 5k. I posted how fast I could run a mile and for me to look back on that and compare to where I am now, it makes me excited to see that Ive improved. And also its for the people that think they cannot do something, its to encourage that indeed you can do something, because if I can do it, then by all means you SO can do it, but it just depends on how bad you want to do it. You have to find that desire inside you and use that to fuel you, it also helps to have friends and fun girls at the gym like I get to have. They all know how hard it is so we smile for each other, its a camaraderie rather than a competition and I am so thankful for them.
Hope you are all having a good start to the New Year, maybe do the jean challenge on your own and see if in 10 weeks you can button and zip your cool pants!
Erich has started going back to the gym, which has been nice cause I was sooooo tired of all those guys hitting on me when I went alone. And I'm totally kidding and I'm not that vain so don't believe it! There is no competing with some of the tight spandex Barbies that work out there, and seriously I was kidding. But its very helpful that Erich is on track with me, with eating and exercising. He's a bit more hard core than I am tho so we each kinda follow our own plan.
A few weeks ago I decided that on the Christmas weekend I wasn't going to run my typical Saturday 4 to 5 mile run that I usually do. I run from our house to my work or almost to Target Distribution and back. This time I wanted to see how far I could run. So I told Erich that I was going to run as far as I could and then I would call him to come pick me up. He suggested that I run to my parents house in North Albany. Bahahaha omg sometimes he can be hilarious! So one day I clocked the miles and it was 10 miles almost exact, so I thought, why not try!?! I woke up Christmas Eve morning and thought hmmm, now mind you I am the most unpredictable runner around. I have no rhyme or reason as to what I do, I do eat carbs that night before and drink tons of water the day before, but I really don't know what I'm doing. I told Erich I was leaving and that I would call him, my first goal was to make it to LBCC, as I ran past our shop my dad was standing out on the side walk waiting for me in his coveralls, he smiled and waved (it was pretty cute) my next goal was 53rd street, then onto YMCA, then Hasty Freeze, then I got to the bridge to go over North Albany, it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, BUT when I got to Gibson Hill...Holy Mother of Pearl I wanted to die. I checked my run keeper and it said I had gone 9 miles, I wanted to go 10 so badly so that's when you gotta dig deep, and tell yourself if you can go this far, you can go farther and you are not a wimp! I made it in 2 hours and 2 minutes to my parents back door, and I actually felt great! They say that's a runners high, lol I think french fries would do the same. I was so proud of myself and as Erich picked me up and we drove home the same way I ran, I couldn't believe that I actually went that far and didn't stop to walk once or give up. My body has paid for that run these last few days, I'm still pretty overweight so my weight pounding on my joints can be painful. I started taking Glucosimine and it really does help, Ive been running everyday this week and that would not have been possible last week before I started taking it. Just wanted to recommend it to anyone cause I really think it works. Its a little weird tho when I tell my parents I am taking it and my dad says...oh I give that to our dog! So its multipurpose!
This particular post is a bit "look at me" well I guess this whole blog is haha and that's not my intention. Its mostly to document for me, where I am at. I went back and read my old posts and it was right before I was going to run my first 5k. I posted how fast I could run a mile and for me to look back on that and compare to where I am now, it makes me excited to see that Ive improved. And also its for the people that think they cannot do something, its to encourage that indeed you can do something, because if I can do it, then by all means you SO can do it, but it just depends on how bad you want to do it. You have to find that desire inside you and use that to fuel you, it also helps to have friends and fun girls at the gym like I get to have. They all know how hard it is so we smile for each other, its a camaraderie rather than a competition and I am so thankful for them.
Hope you are all having a good start to the New Year, maybe do the jean challenge on your own and see if in 10 weeks you can button and zip your cool pants!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Its been a long time....
I keep telling my friend Keri that I'm going to start blogging again, so I thought I better follow thru. It helps me get thoughts out of my head and share with people the struggles I have in hopes that maybe someone else feels the same and we can both find comfort in knowing we are not alone and learning together to make ourselves better people. Oh my that sounds really deep....
I walked into the gym last night and noticed a flier that read something like...."Rock your jeans challenge" so I inquire and learn that I need to bring in a pair of jeans that are two sizes to small (they cant zip or button and I have to prove this to staff) and then they keep the jeans, we have 10 weeks to lose weight and if our too small jeans zip and button our name goes into a drawing for prizes. Hmm so I feel I don't do well with competitions like this, I'm kind of a procrastinator and always wait til the last minute to do something, but with a challenge like this you cant wait til the last minute. Do I spend money on a great pair of jeans? or do I borrow jeans from someone? so I'm not out the money when I fail. I know that I should never use the word "fail" but come on lets be serious. You know how many times I have thought I could buy something smaller and it would motivate me to lose weight, bahahaha its never worked, so why would it now.
Ive learned over the last year how I tick as far as exercise and weight loss go. I do not like to compete against other people, like "whoever loses 10 pounds first buys the other a diet pepsi" that kind of motivation doesn't work for me, also I don't like it when people feel like they need to compete against me. I lose weight for one reason only, for myself. I will be honest and say that I don't like to get beat and occasionally this drives me, but what really drives me is bettering myself. (Like going a faster minute mile or doing pushups that I suck at) However I was at a race recently and a lady I had known thru the kids school was there and when she saw me she said "Oh wow are you running?" "Um yes" "Oh so have you trained for this?" "Um yes" and in my head I was thinking lady I hope I kick your ass or you trip and fall! Well needless to say I finished way ahead of her and thought to myself just cause I'm big doesn't mean I cant do what you can. Which leads me to another subject...
Why do I feel the need to explain myself? I went to the Eugene Running Store a few weeks back to get fitted for some good shoes, as soon as I started talking, I started rambling about how I really can run and that Ive lost 60 pounds and that Ive done some 5k's and a 10k blah blah blah and the guy was looking at me like...Who gives a rip woman, I just want to sell you shoes. When I meet people that don't know me, I feel like I have to give my whole history of "if you think I'm fat now, then you should have seen me 10 months ago" its stupid really, I don't owe anyone an explanation and honestly they don't really care and honestly I am assuming what they may be thinking. I am not trying to lose weight to impress anyone, to compete with anyone, to look better than anyone, I just came to a point in my life that I was so sick of feeling the way I do, seeing myself in that 3 way mirror and just feeling horrible and I still have those moments. I have a long way to go and its hard work. I look in the mirror and say...WTH and I get frustrated and want to perform plastic surgery on myself to get this ugly fat off. But Ive also learned that there are no quick fixes, sure you can binge diet, cut out certain things from your life, but what happens when you add them back in? I learned that it needs to be a life style change, the friends I have that have reached their goal say its just as hard to maintain their weight as it was to lose it. I believe that and I know this has to be my way forever. I have the exercise down to a T but the eating, UGH its sooooooo hard!
My insecurities get the best of me most of the time, I feel like since I post alot about my weight on face book that when people do see me they look at me like...hmmm gosh as much as she talks about working out, she ought to look better than that! I tell myself I don't care what people think, and really I shouldn't, but its human, but then I remind myself that I don't do what I do, for them so they can say what they want to say! So lets get back to this Jean challenge...
I'm going to do it! I'm not going to buy designer jeans, maybe some knock offs just in case they end up not even looking good when they do fit. I'm excited for a new challenge, I will not let the word "fail" be part of my vocabulary and I will be blogging my way thru this journey and also about my half marathon that I will be doing in May. I just printed off my training schedule and it gave me butterflies. When I was at the running store in Eugene there was a cute pink sticker that says "13.1" and I cant wait til I can go buy that and put it on my car...its the little things :)
I walked into the gym last night and noticed a flier that read something like...."Rock your jeans challenge" so I inquire and learn that I need to bring in a pair of jeans that are two sizes to small (they cant zip or button and I have to prove this to staff) and then they keep the jeans, we have 10 weeks to lose weight and if our too small jeans zip and button our name goes into a drawing for prizes. Hmm so I feel I don't do well with competitions like this, I'm kind of a procrastinator and always wait til the last minute to do something, but with a challenge like this you cant wait til the last minute. Do I spend money on a great pair of jeans? or do I borrow jeans from someone? so I'm not out the money when I fail. I know that I should never use the word "fail" but come on lets be serious. You know how many times I have thought I could buy something smaller and it would motivate me to lose weight, bahahaha its never worked, so why would it now.
Ive learned over the last year how I tick as far as exercise and weight loss go. I do not like to compete against other people, like "whoever loses 10 pounds first buys the other a diet pepsi" that kind of motivation doesn't work for me, also I don't like it when people feel like they need to compete against me. I lose weight for one reason only, for myself. I will be honest and say that I don't like to get beat and occasionally this drives me, but what really drives me is bettering myself. (Like going a faster minute mile or doing pushups that I suck at) However I was at a race recently and a lady I had known thru the kids school was there and when she saw me she said "Oh wow are you running?" "Um yes" "Oh so have you trained for this?" "Um yes" and in my head I was thinking lady I hope I kick your ass or you trip and fall! Well needless to say I finished way ahead of her and thought to myself just cause I'm big doesn't mean I cant do what you can. Which leads me to another subject...
Why do I feel the need to explain myself? I went to the Eugene Running Store a few weeks back to get fitted for some good shoes, as soon as I started talking, I started rambling about how I really can run and that Ive lost 60 pounds and that Ive done some 5k's and a 10k blah blah blah and the guy was looking at me like...Who gives a rip woman, I just want to sell you shoes. When I meet people that don't know me, I feel like I have to give my whole history of "if you think I'm fat now, then you should have seen me 10 months ago" its stupid really, I don't owe anyone an explanation and honestly they don't really care and honestly I am assuming what they may be thinking. I am not trying to lose weight to impress anyone, to compete with anyone, to look better than anyone, I just came to a point in my life that I was so sick of feeling the way I do, seeing myself in that 3 way mirror and just feeling horrible and I still have those moments. I have a long way to go and its hard work. I look in the mirror and say...WTH and I get frustrated and want to perform plastic surgery on myself to get this ugly fat off. But Ive also learned that there are no quick fixes, sure you can binge diet, cut out certain things from your life, but what happens when you add them back in? I learned that it needs to be a life style change, the friends I have that have reached their goal say its just as hard to maintain their weight as it was to lose it. I believe that and I know this has to be my way forever. I have the exercise down to a T but the eating, UGH its sooooooo hard!
My insecurities get the best of me most of the time, I feel like since I post alot about my weight on face book that when people do see me they look at me like...hmmm gosh as much as she talks about working out, she ought to look better than that! I tell myself I don't care what people think, and really I shouldn't, but its human, but then I remind myself that I don't do what I do, for them so they can say what they want to say! So lets get back to this Jean challenge...
I'm going to do it! I'm not going to buy designer jeans, maybe some knock offs just in case they end up not even looking good when they do fit. I'm excited for a new challenge, I will not let the word "fail" be part of my vocabulary and I will be blogging my way thru this journey and also about my half marathon that I will be doing in May. I just printed off my training schedule and it gave me butterflies. When I was at the running store in Eugene there was a cute pink sticker that says "13.1" and I cant wait til I can go buy that and put it on my car...its the little things :)
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